Authored by Cynthia Radomsky, Esq.
There is a misconception that the collaborative divorce process is only for divorcing spouses who are civil and cooperative with one another. In fact, the collaborative divorce process works well in high conflict divorce cases, which typically involve a spouse who blames the other party and does not take accountability for their own actions.
I just returned from the Virginia Collaborative Professionals’ 15th Annual Conference in Charlottesville, Virginia where collaborative practitioners from across the Commonwealth of Virginia gathered to learn from Beth I. Wilner, Ph.D., who is a collaborative coach from the Chicago area.
Among other things, Dr. Wilner trained attendees about five high conflict personalities – Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic, Paranoid, and, Antisocial and how they can be managed by the collaborative team of professionals.
Each of these high conflict personalities has its own set of behaviors as well as the following core fears that drive the problematic behaviors:
Borderline: Fears abandonment.
Narcissistic: Fears inferiority.
Histrionic: Fears being ignored.
Paranoid: Fear of being exploited or harmed.
Antisocial: Fear of being dominated.
It is challenging to be married to a high conflict person, and after years of yielding, their spouse may not feel confident to freely generate and evaluate options to resolve division of assets, debts, and support with the high conflict person in the room who may be triggered. This is why it is important to have a skilled team of professionals managing the meetings. The team will include a collaboratively trained attorney for each party; a coach (sometimes two coaches) with a mental health background; and, a financial neutral.
At the outset, the professionals will establish firm boundaries and expectations, including by having both parties sign a collaborative participation agreement with formal rules that must be followed during the collaborative divorce process. During team meetings, if the spouse with a high conflict personality is interrupting the other party, one of the professionals will step in and put a stop to it. The professionals will keep both parties focused on future goals and the issues that need to be resolved for them to move forward and will not allow either party to indulge in lengthy narratives or blame. The professionals will carefully reinforce good and constructive behavior. The professionals will help the parties to reframe options for resolving issues in a way that is not positional and is focused instead on interests and goals. If needed to deescalate emotions, the professionals may briefly separate the parties into separate caucuses with their own individual attorneys.
The collaborative divorce process is the most supportive option for resolving a divorce with a high conflict spouse. A team of trained and experienced collaborative professionals that is knowledgeable about and focused on mental health issues creates the best opportunity for a fair resolution outside of court.