Divorce

For some families with children experiencing divorce, mental health challenges create concerns about parenting capacity, and sometimes require implementing safeguards in order to provide frequent and continuing contact with a parent.  Some diagnoses that may fall under this topic are Substance Abuse/Addiction, Bipolar Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder.

How is a Parenting Plan Developed in the Collaborative Divorce Process?

When minor children are involved, the Collaborative Divorce Process includes the development of a Parenting Plan. The Parenting Plan is prepared by a mental health professional who serves on the Collaborative Team as a Coach.  A Coach offers ongoing support to the parties throughout the Process, including on topics relating to co-parenting.

Child-Centered Divorce Process

In addition, the Collaborative Team may include another mental health professional serving as a Child Specialist. A Child Specialist is a neutral team member who meets with the parents and the children, and then reports back to the Team with feedback on the children’s development, needs, and preferences (if age appropriate). This feedback helps the parents and their Team develop a well-informed and long lasting Parenting Plan.

Addressing Mental Health Concerns in Divorce

When there are mental health concerns, the Coach and Child Specialist will help the team specifically address the symptoms or behaviors of a parent’s mental illness so that a child or children can maintain a relationship and connection with the parent. In these circumstances, the Coach or Child Specialist may be tasked with building visitation transition stages and/or developing safety protocols, such as monitoring and intervention triggers.

Building Trust to Create a Post-Divorce Child Custody Plan

Mental health concerns frequently involve feelings of distrust and uncertainty amongst the parents. To help address this, the Collaborative Team’s mental health professionals can provide neutral and informative education about various mental health diagnoses impacting their family, and help correct any misconceptions.  Moreover, the Collaborative Divorce Process requires full disclosures and transparency, and ensures that the parents have a Team to return to in the future if new or different challenges arise down the road.

Collaborative Divorce Parenting Plan for Mental Health Concerns and Parenting Capacity

Although mental health concerns will create added stress and tension for a family working to develop a plan for their children, the Collaborative Divorce Process provides parents with ample resources, a safe space, and supportive Team who can facilitate the development of a Parenting Plan that focuses solely on meeting the children’s well-being.

By Lynette Kleiza

It’s a common scenario: You don’t want a court to determine your family’s affairs, but you do want a structure in place to ensure you (and your children) get a fair outcome.

You have options and one of the best is the collaborative process.

What is the collaborative process?

The collaborative process is another method (or process) by which parties can resolve disputes between themselves.  It is entirely voluntary and parties cannot be compelled to participate.  The collaborative process is based on full disclosure and is goal oriented with parties working together to reach identified goals.

What can I use the collaborative process for in Washington DC, Virginia and Maryland?

The collaborative process can be used for family law and divorce cases in Washington DC, Virginia and Maryland, including those related to:

• Divorce
• Child Custody
• Child Visitation
• Child Support
• Spousal Support/Alimony
• Relocation
• Prenuptial Agreements
• Modification

This sounds great but how does this work?  Are there rules for the collaborative process?

Yes.  The individual process is governed by a collaborative participation agreement that all parties will sign.  In this region, collaborative participation agreements are detailed and set for the rules and guidelines for parties in collaborative cases.  Additionally, many jurisdictions have passed legislation to address and govern the collaborative process.  By way of example, Virginia, Maryland, and Washington, D.C. have all enacted legislation governing collaborative law and cases utilizing the collaborative process.

Now that I know the rules, who can help me in this process?

Generally, professionals have to be specifically trained in the collaborative process to participate in a collaborative case.  In Washington, D.C., Virginia, and Maryland, each party has to have an attorney and those attorneys have to be trained in the collaborative process to represent clients in a collaborative case.  Depending on the needs of the case, in addition to attorneys, other professionals such as financial neutrals, divorce coaches, and child specialists may or may not be involved.  These professionals will also be trained in the collaborative process as well as their individual professional fields, allowing them to work together and guide the parties throughout the process.

That sounds like involvement of a lot of professionals, a.k.a. can I afford this?

It depends. Often, a collaborative case is far less expensive than litigation despite the number of professionals in the room.  This is because the cost of litigation is entirely avoided and the cost of litigation can be quite substantial, unpredictable, and to a certain extent, uncontrollable.  Also, not every professional is needed in every case and not all professionals are working on every piece of the puzzle.

Are professionals really “neutral” if only one party is paying their fee?

Yes!  Though it may be counterintuitive, these neutrals are trained at being just that, neutral.  The specific logistics of which party compensates a professional has no bearing on that professional’s opinion and advice.

But wait, is my attorney a neutral?  Do I still have attorney-client privilege with my lawyer?

Your individual lawyer represents you alone and is not a neutral.  Collaborative law is based on full disclosure of material facts but parties still have the attorney-client privilege with their respective counsel.  And, in collaborative cases, attorneys are bound by the same Rules of Professional Conduct (including confidentiality) as in non-collaborative cases.

Why should I use collaborative law for my child custody or visitation matter in the greater Washington DC metro?

Parents are in the unique position of having a long life together even if they themselves are no longer together.  They are forever connected through their child(ren).  There will be life events wherein a child will want and benefit from both parents being present – think preschool music concerts all the way to graduation ceremonies to weddings and the birth of children.  Your child(ren) will benefit from their parents being able to attend these events together and be in the same space to support and celebrate them.

 

Collaborative can be a real boon in these situations because while the parties are on different “sides” from each other in the collaborative process, they are at the same table.  The nature of the collaborative process is non-adversarial and goal oriented.  Put another way, a child custody case in the collaborative process, for example, might focus on how parents can keep a child in the same school system as opposed to which parent will have “primary custody” of that child.  Or, how parents can maintain a child’s routine and activities as opposed to how much child support one parent will pay the other.

Additionally, the collaborative process in Washington DC, Virginia and Maryland affords participants the ability to be creative and control the outcome of their case.  Courts are limited in their ability to craft resolutions by virtue of the legal authority bestowed upon them (i.e. what a Judge is allowed to do) and time.  Similarly, Judges do not necessarily know what is important to parties and what is best on the “day to day” for a family.  This is not because they do not understand or do not care.  Rather, by virtue of being impartial, a Judge is a stranger to families that appear before them.  Additionally, just as co-workers come from different circumstances, Judges do too.  So, while a Judge may not celebrate a specific event, it may be crucial to a particular family.  The converse is also true.  Judges simply do not have the ability to be in the same position as a child’s parents when determining what is best for that child.

My opposing party is anything but “collaborative” and our issues are complex.  Can this work for me?

Yes!  A little known fact is that the collaborative process can work for all kinds of cases with all kinds of issues and all types of people and personalities.  One of the (many) benefits of choosing collaborative is that there is a full range of professionals available to help and provide guidance and information which can move high conflict and otherwise difficult cases to resolution.

If the collaborative process in the greater Washington DC metro is so great, why doesn’t everyone do it?

Candidly, it is not for every case and every situation.  Matters involving domestic violence, substantial dominance/imbalance of power between parties, and a lack of honesty should most likely be screened out of the collaborative model.

Also, not everyone knows about it.

Maybe I’m a pessimist – what if it doesn’t work?

It happens.  First, collaborative is voluntary.  This is good in the sense that parties participate willingly and are vested in the success of the process.  This also means that no one can be forced into the collaborative process or to stay in the collaborative process.  However, if the matter leaves the collaborative process, the professionals involved cannot represent parties or otherwise be involved in subsequent litigation.  The exception is a true emergency court filing and, even then, an attorney can file an emergency matter but cannot continue to represent a party that he/she represented in the collaborative process.

Similarly, the collaborative process is confidential.  So, absent very limited circumstances (credible threats of harm to a party, professional, or child abuse), nothing that occurs during the collaborative process can be disclosed.  Likewise, professionals that participate in a collaborative case cannot be called to testify about what happened during the collaborative process absent the aforementioned limited circumstances.

So when do I go to court in Washington DC, Virginia or Maryland?

If collaborative is working, never… at least not in the context of a contested case.  Generally, the court will have to be involved at some point but if collaborative has worked as designed, the court is only involved for a limited purpose, e.g. to officially enter an order of divorce, to incorporate agreements related to child custody, visitation, child support, etc. into a court order, etc.

In these instances, the court is involved not because collaborative did not work, but because, legally, only the court can divorce parties and because only a court can make an agreement between parties into a court order.  In these situations, the court process is much more abbreviated and, in some circumstances, no one needs to appear in court at all.

Is the collaborative law process right for me for family law and divorce in the DMV?

A collaboratively trained professional can help you answer,  “is the collaborative law process right for me for family law and divorce in the greater Washington DC metro?” based on the specific facts and circumstances of your matter.

About the Author Lynette Kleiza

Lynette represents clients in all areas of domestic relations law including, marital agreements, adoption, complex equitable distribution, LGBTQ matters, custody and visitation, relocation, child support, and spousal support. Lynette understands the needs and goals of each client are unique and creates legal strategies tailored to the facts and circumstances of each individual case.

Lynette is focused on results for her clients and offers a multi-faceted approach to resolution of their cases. When appropriate, Lynette utilizes the collaborative process, negotiated settlements, mediation, and alternative dispute resolution. When settlement is not possible, Lynette’s considerable experience as a litigator provides her clients with an effective and persuasive trial attorney.

Outside of the office, Lynette volunteers with the Humane Rescue Alliance and fosters animals.  .

She is a member of the Family Law Section of the Virginia Bar Association, the Virginia Trial Lawyers Association, the District of Columbia Bar Association, the Montgomery County Bar Association, and the Fairfax Bar Association. Lynette is a board member for the DC Academy of Collaborative Professionals  and the Conference Chair for the VaCP.

Are you worried and fearing the divorce process? Worries and fears are based on the unknown. Collaborative Divorce can help reduce the unknowns.

Do you worry about what a judge might decide? Do you worry about access to information? Does your worry keep you from making rational decisions?  Are you a worry wart? Do you struggle with Philippians 4:6? “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.” NLT

In a Collaborative Divorce, IF both parties commit to sharing all information, making shared decisions, and working with Collaboratively trained professionals, they can reach an agreement without going to court.

You and your spouse are the decision-makers in a Collaborative Divorce, not the judge.

What will the judge decide? That’s a big unknown that causes worry. The law provides structure, rules, and restrictions on what a judge can and cannot decide, but most decisions are discretionary. The judge listens carefully to the evidence on the day of your trial and makes a decision.  After months and months of preparation by attorneys, the parties, and expert witnesses, then a few hours of testimony, the judge decides your future.

In a Collaborative Divorce, you and your spouse create the timeline. Parties work together with trained Collaborative Professionals in a series of meetings (in-person or virtual) to share information,  explore solutions, and reach their own agreements. Your Collaborative attorneys are hired as settlement agents, so they do not participate in contested court proceedings. They are hired to work toward an agreement acceptable to everyone.

If you and your spouse are willing to create shared solutions, then in Collaboration, you avoid the uncertainty of a judge’s decision and decide for yourselves what works best for your family.

Making your own decisions reduces the unknown.

Voluntary full disclosure is a key feature of the Collaborative Process.

How will I get information about our finances or about our children? Those are big worries, especially if one spouse has managed the finances and the other the children.

To start a Collaborative Divorce case each party hires their own Collaboratively trained attorney. Then the parties and their Collaborative attorneys meet and together carefully review a Participation Agreement with the rules and procedures for the Collaborative Divorce Process, including how information is shared and how the parties make decisions.

Parties agree to full and informal disclosure meaning they agree to provide, promptly and continually throughout the Collaborative Process, all important information related to the Collaborative matter, whether requested or not. Important information includes any information and/or documents, which either party might need to make an informed decision about each issue that needs to be resolved.

A Collaborative Team must include the parties and a Collaborative attorney for each. Additionally, Collaborative teams may include a neutral financial specialist to help gather and understand the financial information and project how various settlement options work for each party. Collaborative Divorce Coaches and Child Specialists are licensed mental health professionals who may join the Collaborative team to help you and your spouse communicate effectively, manage the emotions of divorce, and explore the needs of your children to develop a shared parenting plan.

Voluntary full disclosure of all information and help from Collaborative Professionals reduce the unknowns.

Negative emotions block rational thinking.  Collaborative Divorce has a plan for that.

Worrying about the unknown creates negative emotions, such as fear and mistrust.  Negative emotions block rational thinking. Negative emotional overload, fears, and worries impede rational decision-making.

In a Collaborative Divorce, the professionals guide the Process, and the clients decide the issues. Making rational decisions is challenging when you and your spouse are not yet on the same page about divorcing. It is a hard time to trust your spouse. Each may second-guess what the other is thinking. Each may focus on their own worries and fears and attribute evil motives to the other’s actions and statements, instead of recognizing their spouse has worries and fears too.

Hearing directly from each other about what is important AND hearing it in a safe and supportive environment lays the foundation for working well together. In Collaboration, parties and their Collaborative professionals agree they will work together and will be transparent. They agree to share interests, goals, needs, and concerns throughout the Process.

Hearing directly from your spouse and having the support of the Collaborative team increases the knowns, reduces the unknowns, and lets you make rational decisions.

Taking charge of your emotions reduces worries and fears. Collaborative Divorce can help with that.

Divorce is more than legal and financial issues. The emotional response to divorce can take on a life of its own. Do you react negatively to new or unexpected or discouraging information?

Emotional reactions to information can block rational decision-making. Take charge:

• Treat new information as an additional resource for making an informed decision.
• Ask questions.
• Seek clarification.
• Explore options.
• Seek more information.
• Consult the professionals. Meetings and agendas are planned to best address fears and concerns while using the information to help parties make informed decisions.
• Share your concerns, but do not fear information or vigorous discussions.

Commit, from the beginning, to work closely with a Collaborative divorce coach to manage the emotions of divorce. This will improve your decision-making throughout the Process.

• With your coach, learn to recognize what triggers you and what creates fears and angst.
• Work with your coach and create strategies to remain calm.
• Prepare with your coach in advance so you bring your best self to legal and financial meetings to make rational instead of emotional decisions.

Viewing information as a tool for decision-making and having the support of a Collaborative coach increases the knowns, reduces the unknowns, and helps you make rational decisions throughout the Collaborative Divorce Process.

Collaborative Divorce is a commitment to reduce the unknowns of worry and fears, so you stay in control, share information, and make rational decisions.

In a Collaborative Divorce, you and your spouse are deciding upfront to work together to go your separate ways. Both parties and all the professionals commit to:

• Negotiating mutually acceptable solutions without having a court decide issues;
• Maintaining open communication and information sharing; and
• Creating shared solutions that reflect the highest priorities for everyone in the family.

Knowing you and your spouse, with full disclosure, transparency, and the help of trained Collaborative professionals, are the ones deciding your family’s future increases the knowns and reduces the unknowns. To learn more about Collaborative Divorce and to locate Collaborative Professionals near you go to www.vacollaborativepractice.com.

Collaborative Divorce Attorney Virginia

About the Author: Cheryl Watson Smith is a Collaborative Divorce attorney and a mediator certified by the Supreme Court of Virginia. Her firm, Cheryl Watson Smith, PC is in Roanoke, Virginia. www.cwsmithpc.com  She helps clients in seeking peaceful, respectful, and durable solutions for themselves and their families through Collaboration, Mediation, or out-of-court Negotiations. So she does not accept court-contested divorce matters. Ms. Smith is a fellow in the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. She is a founding member of the Virginia Professionals (VaCP) and the Collaborative Divorce Professionals of Roanoke. She serves as chair of the Member Benefits Committee of the VaCP.

There are many processes to choose from when seeking a divorce, but one thing remains true of all options – even when it is an “amicable” divorce, it is a struggle. The reason for this is that no matter how simple a divorce may seem, there is an emotional component that often goes unrealized until parties are in the midst of the proceedings. Obtaining a divorce by using the Collaborative Divorce Process is a great way to transition families into the next phase of their lives. The Collaborative Divorce Process could be utilized in most cases if people realized and understood the benefits of doing so.

During consultations, I often hear the same reasons over and over again as to why people do not believe they can use the Collaborative Divorce Process or why it will not work for their family. This article will address some of those false ideas and hopefully encourage parties considering divorce to realize the benefits of pursuing a Collaborative Divorce.

Myth #1: “The Collaborative Divorce Process can only be done if we already agree to everything.”

Sometimes people that use the Collaborative Divorce Process do have most things figured out, but I have yet to see a family have everything figured out. Until a divorce process is initiated, often there are things that the parties do not know about each other.

The saying “you don’t know what you don’t know” really comes into play during a divorce and the Collaborative Divorce Process is a great way to approach the unknown. The Collaborative Divorce Process is a great way to discuss difficulties in a “friendly” manner.

Myth #2: “Only couples that work well together can participate in the Collaborative Divorce Process.”

This is very far from the truth. Often times, emotions run high during a divorce and that causes people to act in a manner that is not their “norm.” When parties do not know what they want or feel like they have been blindsided by being asked for a divorce, it can cause a lot of anxiety and other emotions.

In the Collaborative Divorce Process, there is a team of professionals unique to that case that help guide the parties to a reasonable and amicable settlement. This team of professionals may include a counselor, financial professional, or other types of professionals depending on the case.

Myth #3: “The Collaborative Divorce Process is just a fancy way of doing mediation.”

This is a common misconception. During an initial consultation, I spend much of the time on discussing the differences and similarities between the Collaborative Divorce Process and mediation. While it is true that many Collaboratively trained attorneys are also trained as mediators, the actual process is very different. For example, mediation is typically done with one mediator and both parties, whereas the Collaborative Divorce Process requires that each party have their own Collaboratively trained attorney as part of the team of professionals. Mediation can also be done with the parties, their respective attorneys, and a retired judge.

While mediation is a good alternative dispute resolution, if the parties are unable to reach a settlement, the same attorneys may continue to represent the parties in a litigated case. This means the attorneys must always be litigation focused, even when trying to settle a case. While settlement negotiations are confidential, it is not unusual to learn information during the course of a mediation session. Mediation does not allow the parties and the attorneys to get into the “why” of something like a wine barrel is important and worth fighting over, like they be able to in the Collaborative Divorce Process.

If parties decide to ultimately stop the Collaborative Divorce Process, neither attorney may continue representation of the parties and the parties must obtain alternate counsel. This keeps the Collaborative Divorce attorney out of the litigation mindset completely.

Myth #4: Having so many professionals involved in the case will be too costly.

Divorce is expensive. It is a legitimate concern to have concerns about money and how quickly the expense of a divorce can pile up. Understanding the very real costs of divorce and making an informed decision is the best way to proceed. In most processes, both parties will have an attorney – even if just to review documents and file paperwork.

The cost of attorneys is a given in most divorce cases, but often the expenses are not limited to just each party’s attorney. For example, in many cases, financial experts, real estate appraisers, vocational experts, business valuations and mental or physical health experts may be a necessity.

Each of these experts comes at a cost that is not inexpensive. In a litigated matter, when one party has an expert, it is not unusual for the other party to have to obtain a counter-expert of that same opinion. The costs of experts and counter-experts can quickly mount. In the Collaborative Divorce Process, the parties hire one neutral, ultimately saving the costs of dueling experts or support systems.

How to Make Divorce in Virginia Easier

All in all, it is important to understand that while the divorce process is not inexpensive or void of emotion no matter what avenue you choose, the Collaborative Divorce Process will give you much more control over the process. You and your spouse will often leave the Collaborative Divorce Process feeling as though you had a say in dissolving your marriage and transitioning to the next phase of life for your family.

 

SARAH G. GODING, Esquire 

Sarah is a certified Collaborative divorce attorney with Select Law Partners, PLLC, who assists clients with reaching successful settlements without the need for expensive and lengthy litigation though the Collaborative Process. 

Sarah can be reached at 855-541-4867, or via email at sg@select.law. Her firm website is https://selectlawpartners.com/sarah-goding/.

“Treat people as they want to be, and you help them become what they are capable of being.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

All About Divorce with Dignity and Respect Week in Virginia

Divorce With Respect Week is being highlighted in many states in March. For some people, the thought of divorce conjures up negative images of high conflict seen in movies and in the press.  It does not have to be that way.  Several years ago, I attended a presentation by Donna Hicks, Ph.D., at the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Conference. Her presentation resonated with me.  Donna spoke on the topic of dignity and how it relates to the work that Collaborative Professionals do. Donna Hicks has authored a book titled: Dignity: The Essential Role It Plays in Conflict.

Divorce and Conflict

Anyone who has experienced divorce or worked with clients going through a divorce knows that a spouse facing a separation and/or divorce is often not at their best. A divorce client is likely experiencing feelings of sadness, loss, and anger over the ending of their marriage. Their life may be in turmoil, their living arrangements and finances in flux, and their future unknown. When children are involved, they may fear for their children and how their relationship, and time, with their children may change as a result of the divorce.

How Collaborative Divorce is Different

As a Collaborative Divorce Attorney and Mediator working with people in the midst of separation, I try to be mindful of the experience of my clients and how I can help them be their best selves as they make decisions relating to their divorce. These clients are at a crossroads and one or both spouses has determined that the relationship is not meeting their needs and it is time to move on and create a new future. I want to help them identify and express their goals, what is important to them about their future, their relationship with their soon to be ex-spouse, and the parent of their children (if applicable). As an attorney, I help clients select a process that will maximize the opportunity to work toward these goals.

The Elements to Having a “Good” Divorce

So how does Donna Hicks’ work on dignity help guide Collaborative Divorce professionals in their work with divorcing spouses? Her message is that we treat the people we encounter with dignity and that we also maintain our own dignity while we do this work.

Donna Hicks outlines the essential elements of how we can best treat people with dignity. These principles include:

• Acceptance of Identity (without judgement),
• Recognition and Validation,
• Acknowledgement (or experience),
• Inclusion,
• Safety,
• Fairness,
• Independence,
• Understanding,
• Benefit of the Doubt; and

These parameters can help the divorce professional stay grounded and focused on the tasks/issues when surrounded by a display of emotion from others.

In closing, treating others with dignity enables a divorce professional to help clients focus on their true interests and goals and frame a settlement agreement that will serve them best over time. Maintaining one’s own sense of dignity enables a Collaborative Divorce Attorney (whether representing a client or working as a Mediator) continue to do this work and be the best they can be for the clients they serve while the clients work through this difficult time in their lives.

Karen L. Keyes

Arlington Collaborative Law PLLC

www.arlingtoncollaborativelaw.com

In the world of family law, collaborative divorce is trending, gaining popularity that makes attorneys and clients alike want to explore how they can be more “collaborative” throughout the divorce process. And who wouldn’t?! Collaborative divorce is often more cost effective, supportive of the mental and physical health of everyone involved, and typically leads to fewer post-resolution enforcement issues. But, as with anything up-and coming, there is a learning curve and many professionals and clients alike don’t realize that “working collaboratively” is not the same as truly practicing Collaborative Divorce.

What is a Collaborative Divorce?

Using the true definition of “collaborative,” Collaborative Divorce is a specific alternative dispute resolution process that utilizes a team approach, allowing attorneys, mental health professionals, financial experts, and clients to all work together to manage the divorce and problem-solve outside of the courtroom. This requires professionals and clients that are dedicated to avoiding litigation and are willing to communicate with each other respectfully, even when they disagree. Don’t get me wrong, Collaborative Divorce is not just for clients that work well together or have healthy communication styles. Many do not have these skills at the outset. But it is for clients that recognize that having control over the outcome of their divorce is preferable to a Judge making decisions for them and their family moving forward.

How to Make Divorce Easier in Virginia

While many clients might say this is what they want their divorce to be like – kind, healthy, united – wanting and doing are not the same thing. And many family lawyers out there might say they prioritize “collaborative” support, but if they aren’t truly a trained Collaborative Professional, this more likely than not will devolve into a litigious, stressful, and expensive case for everyone involved.

So, if you are truly interested in Collaborative Divorce and ready to hire an attorney, how do you make sure you do it right?

1) Ask About Their Training

There is no question about it, if you want to explore Collaborative Divorce, the attorney you hire MUST be collaboratively trained. An attorney should be able to provide confirmation of their collaborative training, how long they have practiced collaborative law, and require a Collaborative Participation Agreement. Any attorney can throw out broad buzzwords like “cooperative,” or “settlement,” or “mental health,” but make sure that you get details of an attorney’s Collaborative training and experience before agreeing to work with them.

2) Take Time to Understand Their Mindset

We have all seen television attorneys fight passionately for their clients in a staged courtroom. And while the drama of litigation makes for great binge watching, it is the opposite of what you want from your Collaborative Divorce Attorney. While your attorney may also litigate cases, a Collaborative Divorce Attorney needs to approach your case with a completely different frame of mind that is committed to work in a non-adversarial way. They have to be able to understand the wants and needs of both parties, and the family as a whole, not just their client’s. The hardest part (in my opinion!) about Collaborative Divorce is stopping myself from saying “But you wouldn’t get that in Court” to the other party. The law is just one touchpoint in Collaborative Divorce. Ask questions about how the attorney usually handles reaching a settlement, how they work with others, and what they think the best outcome of a Collaborative Divorce would be.

3) Require A Team

Like the definition of “collaborative” suggests, to truly have a Collaborative Divorce you need a team of two or more parties working together to resolve your case. Collaborative teams don’t always look the same, but will typically consist of divorce attorneys for each party and a mix of mental health professionals, coaches, mediators, and financial neutrals that works best for you. While hiring multiple professionals can feel counterintuitive at first, having professionals in each field can make the divorce process smoother, quicker, and less expensive. Discussing goals together means you won’t have to pay attorneys to go back and forth on every small detail, you may identify solutions faster, and you can get the right support and information from the correct professional to begin with.

4) Take Care Of Yourself

No matter which legal route you take, the healthier you are, the better you will be able to think clearly, communicate honestly, and negotiate fairly. We know that divorce is an emotional process, even with the most collaborative of couples, and your attorneys want to make sure that you feel safe, heard, and ready for the next chapter. Collaborative Divorce can include licensed counselors or therapists, neutral parties, or collaborative coaches to help the parties manage the mental and emotional burden for you and your family. VaCP has so many wonderful Collaborative Professionals and research available to help you get started, so take a deep breath and reach out. We are here to help!

Collaborative Divorce Attorney Virginia

About the Author: Elizabeth Bookwalter is a founding partner of Patterson Bookwalter PLLC, a law firm located in Fairfax, Virginia. Elizabeth exclusively practices family law and believes that litigation is often the last resort in handling family law matters. She encourages her clients to consider alternatives to litigation, including lawyer negotiation, mediation, and collaborative law. Her cases have included complex issues such as mental health concerns, domestic abuse, alcohol and drug addiction, parental alienation, financial tracing, and unilateral dissipation of assets. Elizabeth is a trained Collaborative Divorce Attorney and serves as an executive member of the Virginia Collaborative Professionals Associate and as a member of the Virginia State Bar Standing Committee on Professionalism.

For most people, stress is a part of everyday life. And while we might want to “break up” with stress, going through a breakup of a marriage or current family dynamic probably means that your relationship with stress isn’t going anywhere.

Is the collaborative divorce process less stressful?

On November 14^th, VaCP held our 15^th annual conference, focused on using the Collaborative Divorce Process to manage some of the biggest challenges we see our clients face. We were able to discuss high-conflict relationships, cognitive bias, mental health disorders, and substance use.

One of the takeaways? “Stress exacerbates functional impairment.” Meaning that the more stressed we are, the less we are able to handle our day-to-day responsibilities.

Is the collaborative divorce process less stressful?

If we were to ask people to use one word to describe their perception of the traditional divorce process, “stressful” would probably be high on the list. And while we can’t promise that opting for the collaborative divorce process will be completely worry-free, here are some of the ways that working with a collaborative divorce team can address some of the stressors you are most affected by.

Tips to manage stress during divorce process in Virginia

Set clear boundaries and expectations from the start

One of the biggest worries clients have when starting the divorce process is that they don’t know what to expect. What is the other party going to say? What are their priorities? What do they think mine are? Do they know something they aren’t telling me? A collaborative divorce always begins with a clear outline of what the process will look like, how each person is expected to interact through the process, and sets boundaries for everyone to follow.

Redirect away from the past and orient towards future goals

Divorce is always going to bring up memories of the past. As you end this chapter of your life, it is normal to want to look back. But the collaborative divorce process prioritizes your future and what happiness and success moving forward looks like. We will help both parties set goals for their future and use those goals as a starting point for each step.  Often, we refer back to them as we make our way through the process, particularly if we hit a snag or tensions build while we discuss difficult topics.

Address everyone’s fears

Even high-conflict partners are afraid of something, and likely you are too. It might be fear of abandonment, fear of being ignored, fear of inferiority, or of being taken advantage of. But either way, Collaborative Divorce prioritizes the mental health of all parties throughout the process, helping you acknowledge your fears and find ways to conquer them.

Create and reinforce long-lasting constructive communication and behaviors

Especially for couples who will continue co-parenting, finding ways to communicate and work together is key. As we work towards your future goals in the Collaborative Divorce Process, we are going to be creating positive communication patterns and problem-solving skills that will allow your family to stay intact on the other side.

De-escalate the emotional situation

For better or worse, divorce is a big change that is bound to bring out emotional highs and lows. Your collaborative divorce team will help you process these emotions as you go, and make sure that everyone is taking a breather when it’s needed.

About the Author

Carrie Patterson is one of the founding partners of the law firm Patterson Bookwalter PLLC, located in Fairfax, Virginia. Her practice focuses solely on family law, and she is skilled in working with complex and high-conflict divorce and custody cases. With a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, Carrie firmly believes in balancing mental health care with legal services and has been a trained Collaborative lawyer since 2013. Carrie stays connected to the Collaborative community through her work as Immediate Past Chair of the Virginia Collaborative Professionals and as an active attorney member of Collaborative Professionals of Northern Virginia.

I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night with an idea about one of my divorce cases that I need to e-mail to myself for later review before it’s lost.  Most honest family law attorneys will admit that we sometimes lose sleep worrying about the challenges faced by our clients and whether we are coming up short in protecting them.

We truly care and never want to make a mistake, but unfortunately, even the most diligent attorney will make a couple of mistakes over the course of a career.  It is scary for the parties, and it is scary for the attorneys too.

When Divorce Attorneys Make a Mistake

Outside of a collaborative divorce case, most attorneys will not explain their mistake to the client and admit they blew it.  They fear the double whammy of harm to their reputation and a malpractice claim.

Divorce Settlement Agreements with Mistakes

Just this year, I consulted with two separate clients whose prior family law attorneys - reputable attorneys - had made significant drafting errors in their settlement agreements that would cost them thousands.

Unfortunately, in each case, the error was not discovered until after both parties had signed the papers, and nothing could be done to make it right.  In Virginia, the appellate caselaw makes it incredibly difficult and rare to set aside or get out of a signed settlement agreement.

How a Collaborative Divorce Reduces the Risk of Errors

The good news is that the risk of a drafting error is avoided in the collaborative divorce process.  At the start of a collaborative divorce case, you and your spouse will sign a Collaborative Participation Agreement, which sets forth the binding rules of the process you are entering into.

One of these important rules is that the parties will not take advantage of any mistakes, misunderstandings, inconsistencies or miscalculations of each other or any other participant, and shall disclose them and seek to have them corrected.

How a Mistake Could Happen

Imagine that Gwyneth and Chris are divorcing.  Through their attorneys, they reach a conceptual deal that Gwyneth will use her sole and separate trust fund to pay off the $1,000,000 mortgage balance remaining on the marital home to relieve each party from having to come up with half of the payment each month.

Gwyneth will then live in the home with the parties’ son, Moses, until he graduates high school at which time the home will be sold.  When the proceeds of sale are divided, Gwyneth will be paid back for advancing the mortgage payments from her sole and separate trust fund.

The attorneys agree that Chris’ attorney will draft the agreement.  Chris’ attorney makes a mistake by writing that the net proceeds of sale will initially be divided equally and then Chris’ share will be decreased and Gwyneth’s share will be increased by the sum of $1,000,000.  The $1,000,000 should have come off the top before division of the net proceeds, so half of the mortgage was essentially paid by each party during their co-ownership.

What Happens When an Error is Made in a Collaborative Divorce

Outside of collaborative divorce, Gwyneth’s attorney would likely explain to her that the agreement contains a drafting error to her $500,000 benefit and would ask whether she wants to call this error to her spouse’s attention or not.

This kind of temptation can be difficult for a party to resist, especially when they have complicated feelings about their divorce.  If Gwyneth wants to hurry up and sign the agreement to secure her windfall, it would be unethical for her counsel to alert Chris’ lawyer to the error.  Chris and his counsel may or may not ever realize an error was made.  If they do, the only recourse is likely for Chris to sue his own counsel for malpractice.

The Benefits of Collaborative Divorce in Virginia

In collaborative divorce, the Collaborative Participation Agreement leaves no question as to whether the error should be pointed out.

Of course, it should be pointed out!  Gwyneth’s attorney would promptly communicate to Chris’ attorney that this draft does not seem to reflect the terms of the conceptual deal, and the agreement would be corrected.  This outcome is fair to everyone involved.

About the Author

Cynthia Radomsky has been in practice since 2006 and is partner at Powell Radomsky, PLLC in Fairfax, Virginia.  Ms. Radomsky practices only family law and believes that most cases can and should be settled outside of a courtroom.  She is the Chair Elect of the Virginia Collaborative Professionals (VaCP); a member of the Board of the Collaborative Professionals of Northern Virginia (CPNV); and, a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP).