Blog Post

Authored by Patrice Garver, PhD

The Collaborative Professionals of Northern Virginia conducted trainings in January and February 2023 regarding the Parenting Plan within the legal perspective and the Parenting Plan within the mental health mindset. As a collaborative team, we are fortunate to pull from all disciplines as we finalize a Parenting Plan. The following are some of the takeaways that I learned from both trainings and how team feedback can only strengthen the Parenting Plan document.

The Parenting Plan within the Legal Lens:

The Parenting Plan, although this is not a legal document, does have language and areas that address the legal components and obligations of co-parenting. And while the language of the Parenting Plan cannot deter parents from eventually going to court, it is beneficial to turn to the attorneys for their feedback in terms of guidelines for specific wording, red flags, or refining language, perhaps, to provide more clarity.

As a mental health coach, when the co-parenting discussions of all components of the Parenting Plan is completed, the parents and I review a draft to make sure that the agreements in the language are consistent with what was expressed. I also emphasize it is still a draft. It will be sent out to the collaborative team and the attorneys to read it over and provide additional feedback regarding clarity and the legal perspective. The attorneys’ input helps to refine the language and content. The beauty of the collaborative process is that we can and should have this open dialogue to continue the interest and needs of the family system within the plan but also to provide language that will present more clarity within legal parameters. I am fortunate to work with many attorneys that have given me suggestions as well as are open to hear my views as to why a paragraph was inserted into a Parenting Plan.

Parenting Plans are written to strengthen co-parenting with the purpose and goal to provide understandable parameters and rules as they share the children across the two-home family. And although there have been times that paragraphs were written that concern attorneys, it is important to look at the whole context of a topic and what is important to the parents or family. An example of this is when parents with an adult child agree to provide financial and, perhaps, mental health supports through college and the living circumstances. There could be concerns from the attorney(s) to obligate the parents when they do not need to be obligated. This is the time when conversation and context of a particular situation is important, to understand the background and intent of the parents.

Important Goals and Purpose of the Parenting Plan:

As much as possible, Parenting Plans should be written in the context of meeting the needs of “parallel co-parenting”. (Parallel co-parenting is a method of shared parenting in which parents interact as little as possible with each other while maintaining their relationships with their children. The majority of the parent communication is through writing and structured protocols.)  

The Parenting Plan should be written with language that has enforceable components and is clear, complete, and particularly detailed. This does not, in any way, keep parents from being flexible upon mutual agreement, to change the parameters of the schedule, and other agreements. As much as possible, it is better to be detailed, and the language is more specific rather than vague or ambiguous. There are parents that have the mindset that “we’re going to work it out as needed”, and they don’t need to stipulate details such as particular time and day of transitions in a general schedule or a holiday. Indeed, they can work it out until they don't, or there is a conflict, and/or there is a disagreement.

Another important point that was communicated through our February Member Meeting speaker, Karen Bonnell (an established author and co-parenting specialist), was that a Parenting Plan provides “the floor” for parents to stand when things are wobbly and/or conflicted. In contrast, the Parenting Plan does not establish a ceiling. Although Karen related that research frequently reveals that co-parenting can improve over time, it might also regress with particular situations like the introduction of a significant other or the remarriage of one of the parents. This is where the co-parenting process and the language in the plan should address detailed protocols and address parenting skills.

The Parenting Plan is a document with the foundation of its purpose and goal to look at the family system and to guide healthy co-parenting across a two-home family. Also, even the best and most extensively written Parenting Plan will not deter parents from high-level conflict if that is their emotional and psychological commitment, and consequently, the family might end up in court.

Over the years, I have written dozens of Parenting Plans, many outside the collaborative process as well as within the process. My format and structure have changed and evolved to hopefully more fully meet the needs of each family. Writing a Parenting Plan as part of a collaborative team has always provided for me the extra feedback, the extra input, and the extra pair of eyes to strengthen this document. With feedback from the attorneys to provide more clarity but also other professionals such as a child specialist to include the voice of the children/teens as the parents discuss, sticky subjects, such as transition time, change in access schedules, and communication protocols are more finely defined and determined.

As a member of the collaborative team and a mental health coach, I am appreciative that I have the feedback and guidance of my team members to enhance the Parenting Plan and meet the particular needs of each family.

Authored by Jenna Hayba, Esq.

If you are looking into the collaborative divorce process, chances are that you have also researched other alternative dispute resolution methods, including mediation. You may be wondering what the difference is between these two methods, and which one is best for you and your family.

What is Mediation?

Mediation is a process whereby a divorcing couple, who may or may not be represented by attorneys, sit down with a mediator in an effort to try to reach an amicable resolution of their divorce. In the mediation process, the mediator is a neutral third-party who does not advocate for either spouse. If either spouse is represented by an attorney, that attorney will advocate for his or her client during the mediation, or in between mediation sessions.

What is Collaborative Divorce?

Collaborative divorce is an alternate method of dispute resolution in which the couple engages a team of professionals to assist in reaching a settlement. Each spouse is represented by an attorney. That attorney is both an advocate for his or her client, but also part of the team working together to reach a resolution that best meets the goals and interests of both spouses.

What are the Major Differences Between Mediation and Collaborative Divorce?

While there are a number of differences between mediation and collaborative divorce, there are some clear distinctions that should be noted. First, if mediation is unsuccessful, your attorney can continue to represent you as you move forward in your case. In a collaborative divorce, if the process is unsuccessful, then your attorney cannot represent you moving forward. In addition, mediation maintains some of the adversarial nature of a traditional, litigated divorce. In a collaborative divorce, though you and your spouse may still have divergent interests in some respects, the collaborative team consisting of your attorneys and other professionals are working together with you and your spouse to reach a compromise that works for your family.

Ultimately, the decision of whether the collaborative divorce process or an alternate dispute resolution method is best for you is going to depend on your particular circumstances and goals. These should be discussed in depth with collaboratively trained attorneys, mental health professionals and financial neutrals with whom you are working as you navigate the difficult divorce process.

If you are looking into the collaborative divorce process, chances are that you have also researched other alternative dispute resolution methods, including mediation. You may be wondering what the difference is between these two methods, and which one is best for you and your family.

What is Mediation?

Mediation is a process whereby a divorcing couple, who may or may not be represented by attorneys, sit down with a mediator in an effort to try to reach an amicable resolution of their divorce. In the mediation process, the mediator is a neutral third-party who does not advocate for either spouse. If either spouse is represented by an attorney, that attorney will advocate for his or her client during the mediation, or in between mediation sessions.

What is Collaborative Divorce?

Collaborative divorce is an alternate method of dispute resolution in which the couple engages a team of professionals to assist in reaching a settlement. Each spouse is represented by an attorney. That attorney is both an advocate for his or her client, but also part of the team working together to reach a resolution that best meets the goals and interests of both spouses.

What are the Major Differences Between Mediation and Collaborative Divorce?

While there are a number of differences between mediation and collaborative divorce, there are some clear distinctions that should be noted. First, if mediation is unsuccessful, your attorney can continue to represent you as you move forward in your case. In a collaborative divorce, if the process is unsuccessful, then your attorney cannot represent you moving forward. In addition, mediation maintains some of the adversarial nature of a traditional, litigated divorce. In a collaborative divorce, though you and your spouse may still have divergent interests in some respects, the collaborative team consisting of your attorneys and other professionals are working together with you and your spouse to reach a compromise that works for your family.

Ultimately, the decision of whether the collaborative divorce process or an alternate dispute resolution method is best for you is going to depend on your particular circumstances and goals.  These should be discussed in depth with collaboratively trained attorneys, mental health professionals and financial neutrals with whom you are working as you navigate the difficult divorce process.

Teaser: 

If you are looking into the collaborative divorce process, chances are that you have also researched other alternative dispute resolution methods, including mediation. You may be wondering what the difference is between these two methods, and which one is best for you and your family.

Authored by Cynthia Radomsky, Esq.

There is a misconception that the collaborative divorce process is only for divorcing spouses who are civil and cooperative with one another.  In fact, the collaborative divorce process works well in high conflict divorce cases, which typically involve a spouse who blames the other party and does not take accountability for their own actions.

I just returned from the Virginia Collaborative Professionals’ 15th Annual Conference in Charlottesville, Virginia where collaborative practitioners from across the Commonwealth of Virginia gathered to learn from Beth I. Wilner, Ph.D., who is a collaborative coach from the Chicago area. 

Among other things, Dr. Wilner trained attendees about five high conflict personalities – Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic, Paranoid, and, Antisocial and how they can be managed by the collaborative team of professionals.

Each of these high conflict personalities has its own set of behaviors as well as the following core fears that drive the problematic behaviors:

Borderline:      Fears abandonment.

Narcissistic:    Fears inferiority.

Histrionic:       Fears being ignored.

Paranoid:         Fear of being exploited or harmed.

Antisocial:       Fear of being dominated.

It is challenging to be married to a high conflict person, and after years of yielding, their spouse may not feel confident to freely generate and evaluate options to resolve division of assets, debts, and support with the high conflict person in the room who may be triggered.  This is why it is important to have a skilled team of professionals managing the meetings.  The team will include a collaboratively trained attorney for each party; a coach (sometimes two coaches) with a mental health background; and, a financial neutral.

At the outset, the professionals will establish firm boundaries and expectations, including by having both parties sign a collaborative participation agreement with formal rules that must be followed during the collaborative divorce process.  During team meetings, if the spouse with a high conflict personality is interrupting the other party, one of the professionals will step in and put a stop to it.  The professionals will keep both parties focused on future goals and the issues that need to be resolved for them to move forward and will not allow either party to indulge in lengthy narratives or blame.  The professionals will carefully reinforce good and constructive behavior.  The professionals will help the parties to reframe options for resolving issues in a way that is not positional and is focused instead on interests and goals.  If needed to deescalate emotions, the professionals may briefly separate the parties into separate caucuses with their own individual attorneys.

The collaborative divorce process is the most supportive option for resolving a divorce with a high conflict spouse.  A team of trained and experienced collaborative professionals that is knowledgeable about and focused on mental health issues creates the best opportunity for a fair resolution outside of court.

Authored by Stephanie Smith, Esq.

For some families with children experiencing divorce, mental health challenges create concerns about parenting capacity, and sometimes require implementing safeguards in order to provide frequent and continuing contact with a parent.  Some diagnoses that may fall under this topic are Substance Abuse/Addiction, Bipolar Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder.

When minor children are involved, the Collaborative Divorce Process includes the development of a Parenting Plan. The Parenting Plan is prepared by a mental health professional who serves on the Collaborative Team as a Coach.  A Coach offers ongoing support to the parties throughout the Process, including on topics relating to co-parenting.

In addition, the Collaborative Team may include another mental health professional serving as a Child Specialist. A Child Specialist is a neutral team member who meets with the parents and the children, and then reports back to the Team with feedback on the children’s development, needs, and preferences (if age appropriate). This feedback helps the parents and their Team develop a well-informed and long lasting Parenting Plan.   

When there are mental health concerns, the Coach and Child Specialist will help the team specifically address the symptoms or behaviors of a parent’s mental illness so that a child or children can maintain a relationship and connection with the parent. In these circumstances, the Coach or Child Specialist may be tasked with building visitation transition stages and/or developing safety protocols, such as monitoring and intervention triggers.

Mental health concerns frequently involve feelings of distrust and uncertainty amongst the parents. To help address this, the Collaborative Team’s mental health professionals can provide neutral and informative education about various mental health diagnoses impacting their family, and help correct any misconceptions.  Moreover, the Collaborative Divorce Process requires full disclosures and transparency, and ensures that the parents have a Team to return to in the future if new or different challenges arise down the road.

Although mental health concerns will create added stress and tension for a family working to develop a plan for their children, the Collaborative Divorce Process provides parents with ample resources, a safe space, and supportive Team who can facilitate the development of a Parenting Plan that focuses solely on meeting the children’s well-being.

Authored by Alice Ahearn, Esq.

The Modern Divorce, a blog series, looks at all aspects and considerations of the Collaborative Divorce Process. This is the second post of a multi-part series.

There’s an old saying that goes: “Why are divorces so expensive? Because they’re worth it”.

While some old sayings still ring true today, many represent an antiquated way of thinking.

As a family law attorney, I am often frustrated for my clients about how expensive the divorce process can be, especially since it is one that will be utilized by more than fifty percent of married Virginians during their lifetimes. The cost for a divorce varies widely depending on where you live and how you choose to resolve your marital difficulties. However, once a complicated and contentious case moves to litigation, the cost can often reach six figures, regardless of whether it resolves in or out of court.

Collaborative Divorce, however, can help streamline costs. Yes, you read that correctly – even with hiring additional professionals to assist during the process, you can save money.

In Collaborative Divorce, the parties and their attorneys work with one financial professional, called a financial neutral, who gathers information from each spouse. The financial neutral works on family and individual budgets as well as cash-flow and asset division options with the collaborative team. This financial neutral can help guide both parties to financial security, an often-stated shared goal in a Collaborative Divorce. The neutral can also help the parties figure out how the same income that once supported one household will now support two households.

A Collaborative Divorce is a way to discuss the financial realities of a divorce without the winning/losing dynamic of traditional process. Part of the collaborative process is a contractual agreement between the parties to keep the financial status-quo during negotiations, allowing both parties to negotiate on an even playing field and often allowing the less financially-sophisticated spouse time to learn about the family’s income and asset portfolio.

The collaborative process is intended to help divorcing spouses see where their interests align rather than exacerbating the underlying divisions. When the goal is to work together to identify solutions and solve problems, both financial and custodial, the discussions are more fruitful and end in fewer stalemates or nasty fights then the traditional process of attorneys sending letters identifying positions back and forth and accepting or rejecting proposals.

Working together is always less expensive than working against one another.

For more information on the Collaborative Divorce Process, contact Alice Ahearn @ aahearn@thegellerlawgroup.com

Authored by Christine Hissong, Esq.

Once the thought of separation and divorce enters your mind, your second thought should be about process.  It is never too soon for you and your spouse to seek information about options.  When you understand your options, you are in a better position to make informed decisions about how to move forward.

You have researched and read about the Collaborative Process, and you understand that it benefits both parties and is a particularly beneficial process for the children of divorcing parents.  You would like to engage in the Collaborative Process, but how do you get your spouse on board?  Meet with a Collaborative attorney and ask for resources that you can share with your spouse.  Think about what is important to them. 

If your spouse values privacy, let them know that the Collaborative Process is private.  Your confidential discussions during the Collaborative Process will be had in the comfort of your attorney’s office, and you will never step foot in a courtroom. 

If your spouse is financially frugal, explain to them that the Collaborative Process is cost effective, and you will both have more control over your resources.  Let them know that you have the option in the Collaborative Process to work with a Collaboratively trained financial neutral to put together your financial data and your financial picture, present and future, which facilitates the option generating work that we do.  You also have the option of working with divorce coaches and child specialists to help develop your parenting plan.  Working with these experts to accomplish these tasks, instead of having attorneys doing this work, saves money and also helps to move you to resolution more quickly.  And, perhaps the most significant financial benefit of engaging in the Collaborative Process is that you will not pay the exorbitant cost of litigation.

If your spouse wants security and stability while working on a resolution, assure them that your Collaborative attorneys commit, as do the both of you, not to strategize against or take advantage of the other, but to be engage with integrity and respect and to share all information which is important to the Collaborative Process. 

These are only some of the many benefits of the Collaborative Process that you can explain to your spouse to help them understand the value of using the Collaborative Process.  If you would like to learn more about how to share the benefits of the Collaborative Process with your spouse, reach out to one of our Collaboratively trained attorneys, financial neutrals, or divorce coaches for more information. 

Authored by David Ginsberg, Esq.

The Collaborative Process provides a structure in which spouses/parents can build a professional team to address the specific issues related to your family and design a settlement agreement that is tailored specifically for your family.

The professional team can help you address financial and emotional issues arising from the relationship, not just the legal issues.  By addressing all aspects of a separation, divorce, or other family related issue, the transition to the next phase of your life is likely to be easier to face and to go more smoothly.

Furthermore, by putting the effort into addressing the legal, financial, and emotional aspects of the family issues that have arisen, your agreement can address them in a practical and comprehensive manner.  The result is an agreement that is closely tailored to your family and one that addresses not only the current issues, but also looks forward and addresses the issues that you anticipate will arise in the future.

The benefit of a comprehensive and forward-looking agreement generated in a process that ensures that both parties understand the basis for its terms is that parties are more likely to comply with the agreement and they are less likely to try to change it.  If a change needs to be made, you already have an established team and process in place to help you navigate the new sitatuation.

The short-term benefit is that an agreement that truly addresses the needs of your family will be practical and effective.  This will reduce the conflicts and friction between former spouses, and reduce confusion and uncertainty for your children.  The long-term benefit is that spouses/parents are less likely to return to seek modifications and the reduced conflict often leads to a better relationship between parents, and that turns into a greater ability to co-parent.

Authored by Abbie Niehoff, MPS, CFP®, CDFA®

Market volatility is often unsettling. It can be even more unsettling when going through a divorce. However, there are several ways to take advantage of down markets for settlement purposes in the divorce process. These include (1) Roth IRA conversions, (2) tax-loss harvesting, and (3) investing excess cash.

1. Roth Conversions. Two side-effects of volatility include a potential, temporary decline in one’s taxable income and tax rate, and a potential decline in one’s retirement asset value. In such periods, one should consider taking advantage of such decreases by considering converting pre-tax traditional retirement assets to after-tax ‘Roth’ retirement assets. Such conversion will generally result in one paying tax on the converted amount today, instead of years down the line when one’s tax bracket may creep back up. As markets and asset values recover, this benefit is even further compounded.  

When considering, one should consider their current and future tax rates, the timeframe before retirement distributions may be needed, market volatility, and beneficiary concerns/estate taxes. You should have a conversation with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ® to determine if now is a good time to consider such conversion.  

1. Tax-Loss Harvesting. Sometimes an investment that has lost money can still have a silver lining. The strategy one may implement to take advantage of such loss is known as tax-loss harvesting – it involves selling investments that decreased in value relative to their cost basis, replacing them with reasonably similar (or different) investments, and then offsetting realized investment gains with those losses. In effect, a “tax asset” is created. The losses can be used to offset investment gains and can offset up to $3,000 of income (if married filing jointly or single) or $1,500 (if married filing separate), unused losses can be carried forward indefinitely. The result is a reduction in your tax burden while still making your money work for you. When working with divorcing spouses, all parties should consider the tax asset (and liabilities) created by investments and capital assets.
2. Investing Excess Cash. Investments are cheaper when markets are down. Divorcing couples can take advantage of this to set themselves up for brighter horizons once assets are divided. When there is excess cash in a down market, it can be beneficial to take advantage of the decreased cost of investments. When the market grows, investments will follow.

Abbie Niehoff, MPS, CFP®, CDFA® is a collaborative financial neutral and expert, Councilor, Buchanan & Mitchell servicing the D.C., Virginia, and Maryland regions and beyond. Her expertise lies in assisting attorneys, spouses, and other divorce related professionals make well- informed financial decisions that impact today, tomorrow, and beyond.

Authored by Jordan Egert, CPA, CFE, CDFA™

Authored by Alex Xanttopoulos, Esq.

One of the hardest and most important decisions in going through separation and divorce is selecting the right family law attorney for you. 

So how do you choose the best lawyer? 

The answer likely surrounds knowing yourself, knowing your spouse, and both of your respective goals.  

If you are thinking about engaging in collaborative divorce, you have already decided that you value making the important choices involving your family together with your spouse, in an out of court solution-oriented approach, versus having lawyers and/or judges telling you what should happen.   You are not looking to gain an advantage or “win” your divorce and instead your goals are likely to find something that is workable for your individual family’s needs.   The first step in selecting the best lawyer for your collaborative divorce is to select an attorney who is collaboratively trained and who has experience working with clients in the collaborative divorce process.   When selecting the right collaboratively trained divorce lawyer, you should also be mindful of the goals you initially set for the process and select someone who you can connect with and you feel you can trust.  The attorney’s goals should mirror your own and you should feel comfortable with their approach in guiding you through the collaborative divorce process. 

What if my spouse hasn’t decided on a family lawyer yet?    Or worse, what if they selected someone who doesn’t practice Collaborative Divorce Law?  

In the event you find yourself interested in the collaborative divorce process, both you and your spouse will need to hire attorneys who are collaboratively trained.   Encourage your spouse to visit either the CPNV (Collaborative Professionals of Northern Virginia) website, and/or the VaCP (Virginia Collaborative Professionals) website for a list of collaboratively trained members.  Members of these organizations are required to be collaboratively trained and are required to maintain active continuing legal education each year along with other membership requirements.  Further, you should ask your lawyer for a list of references of other collaborative attorneys that they would recommend for your spouse based on their personality and the issues involved.

In the event your spouse has already chosen his or her own lawyer and they are not collaboratively trained, you can suggest that they interview separate collaborative counsel to discuss with them the option and benefits of a collaborative divorce.  While your spouse may be apprehensive about switching counsel early on, the cost to your family could be much greater if the matter proceeds into divorce litigation.

Click here to read more about Collaborative Law services provided by Alex Xanttopoulos and the Roop Law Firm.

By Michael J. McHugh, Esq. and Teresa S. Cole, Esq.

When a partner with Gender Dysphoria shares that information with their spouse, not always, but frequently, a divorce will follow.  In such cases, the best process by far for the couple is the Collaborative Process.

Several aspects of the Collaborative Process are especially well suited to cases where one spouse is transitioning. First and foremost is the supportive team of mental health professionals who can help both clients navigate their new circumstances.  While the transgender spouse has likely gone through a long path of self-acceptance before telling the cisgender spouse of their Gender Dysphoria, the cisgender spouse may be questioning the entire marriage and everything they thought they knew about their spouse, all the while trying to absorb and process the enormity of the changes ahead.   Even if the cisgender spouse is accepting of their spouse’s newly revealed gender identity, they may have substantial concerns regarding the children.  In these cases, the use of a coach and a child specialist to help both spouses address these issues in a safe setting has no parallel in any other process.

A second aspect of the Collaborative Process that works especially well in these cases is the strict confidentiality with which all information is treated.   Both the transgender and cisgender spouse have substantial concerns about what information is shared with outside parties, both from a professional and a personal standpoint, and knowing that the parties are in full control of all sensitive information provides the safe setting they need in order to discuss issues that are of greatest importance to their family.

Finally, all Clients in the Collaborative Process are treated with the utmost respect in an atmosphere that is free of threats, intimidation, and micro-aggressions; Clients deserve the right to have their concerns heard, and to be addressed by their preferred names and pronouns.  For these reasons, and many more, the Collaborative Process is the best process for any couple where one of the clients is transitioning.